[mood]: ...dead on the inside, apathy on the outside - what is it?
[music]: Massive Attack
[msn]: Pirate: Little Johnny Bible Club
This blog entry will start off with a heavy sigh, followed by a high chance of ranting with temperatures ranging wildly from -273.15 to 100° C. After that it's hard to say what to expect. Maybe the tectonic plates will shift, or some shit like that.
It's been a while. I would love to say that we have a lot to catch up on, and it's going to be a great time gallavanting through my summer adventures and then through those that took place in Europe - but I'm not going to. Unfortunately, charming readers (and you'll forgive if I flatter you too much), you've caught me at a bad time, and this is going to be one of those writing-shit-for-the-sake-of-sorting-it-out entries. So you are forewarned. Leave now.
...
...
Here we are, six or seven weeks into the spring term. It's 2009 and I'm back at school. To put this into a scary sort of perspective, I've been learning since 1994.
Why did I put that into perspective? Because... I am beginning to feel like... I don't really want to learn any more. I think I want to quit school. I think I don't want to be an engineer.
While I've been over this about a thousand times in my head, and talked to people about it already, I also figured I'd share it with you, because you're special, and because this helps me sort my thoughts better. When I say sort I mean that currently they run rampant through my brain right before I go to sleep, which really only results in poor posture and a stress-related rash on my left arm. So onwards I plod like a fat toad in the mud.
Here are my reasons for wanting to quit, and I'm stating them plain and clear because I've already talked about them, and writing is so much easier than thinking... everything is concise and beautiful.
I feel like crap all the time. I don't care about what I'm doing in school, and therefore I'm not paying much attention to it. Only one of our classes is actually engaging - the others are taught by a) professor who doesn't remember what her own damn subscripts are, who has no idea how to answer your questions and who is trying to review grade 11 chemistry for us, while in some way making it more complex because she's seriously speaking Klingon b) professor who would rather talk about how energy efficient his Prius is than about what the fuck we are supposed to be learning in class - and he teaches two courses c) rambloid college professor who teaches surveying - the only reason I don't mind him is because his course is simple and clear and he knows that d) professor who is a huge douchebag to all of us ALL THE TIME, tells us we're stupid constantly and tells us that everything we've done in Engineering so far has been "playing" with Physics and Math. That's fucking fantastic, that is.
Further, I just don't want to do this. I was happy this summer because I was a surveyor. I was making decent enough money and I enjoyed going home and not having to do stupid bullshit assignments that a) are pointless busywork and b) often don't actually make any sense due to the fact that they are not fucking in fucking ENGLISH.
...deep breaths.
Analytically, I think I'm just damn bored. For most of the classes listed above, I don't want to do the work because the work is dumb. A computer can do it for you - more so than before. There aren't really any new concepts to even understand. Many of our assignments are "convert these units, then do some multiplication with this supplied formula" or "multiply these 8000000 numbers together, hope that you don't fuck it up before the end, and write down the answer".
POINTLESS. BUSYWORK. If I wanted pointless busywork I would get a job at fucking Starbucks, which I am almost tempted to DO.
The assignments that don't fall under "must be smart enough to push buttons on a calculator" are those in our structural course. These are difficult. I've even done a few of them - but the prof is the biggest asshole I've ever met in a professional setting, and I don't even like to attend his classes because all I do is get pissed off at him.
And aside from all that... I just really don't like it. I don't enjoy it. I don't find it interesting any more. There is nothing new and exciting... it's just the same shite over and over again.
...I may have lied about writing coming out more beautifully and concisely than my blubbering spoken words. What follows are the reason's I don't want to quit... because I really don't, but I really... do...
1. I don't know what to do otherwise. I have a thousand other things that I want to do, but... they are mostly dreams, or mostly... ventures. They require risk and they require money and... they require nerve and luck.
2. Everything I've done so far has been a waste of time and money. Two years of effort for nothing, since half an engineering degree is exactly that - it's not even something I can put on a resume. I went to university for a while, but I'm a loser and I quit. I think that falls under the category of "some college" when you fill out applications for shitty jobs.
3. I just don't want to. I would love to be an engineer, I really would. I want the degree. I want that ring on my finger. I want to be able to say that I went through hell to get it, but... I fucking hate hell, right now.
4. I hate quitting, and I'm usually made of stronger shit than that. Right now, however, it seems kind of runny.
5. My friends. Dropping out of Engineering is like running from the draft when all your friends go to war. We've been here two years, we've done some amazing shit, we've done some not so amazing shit, and I really don't wanna be that girl working at Walmart in a few years when everyone else finishes their degree. I also don't want to live in a house where I can't... relate. If I quit, I lose that comraderie, I lose that connection... I lose my friends. And I don't say that in a way that's epic or deep or... believable. I wouldn't lose my friends. I know you guys aren't as shallow as that. But... I'd sever a link. I'd burn a bridge. And I sort of like that bridge.
... against those, there are a few arguments, and... I know it looks like I'm convincing myself to stay, but... I really don't think I am.
I am going to make dinner with Denise. I'll keep you updated throughout the week. Waiting for a phonecall from my parents, still.
...I need help. I really, really, really do. Msning to some pals from home... one of them told me he wished he hadn't dropped out of school, and I am afraid of making that mistake, but... I'm sort of also afraid that I've already made one.
And I really do apologise for the lame entry. I have drawn recently, and I have done fun things, and I do have photos and hilarious anecdotes and... fun things. But I need to clear my head first.
Peace. <3
/mads
